LOVING

IT TAKES ABOUT 20 MINUTES

to walk from the men’s intake shelter to the main branch of the New York Public Library.

who am I?

where am I?

what’s going on?

I am SHAZZBARBARIC, a name and persona I’ve chosen for myself.

I’m sitting in the lounge of a shelter.

Now that we have the who and where, what’s going on?

I’m trying to get vouchers.

what’s vouchers?

Look, no one likes to pay rent.

But it turns out, if you really don’t try the government just gives up and pays your rent for you.

so we’re homeless

Any comprehensive theory of society requires inspection at every level of the social stratum.

the folks booted us

We had a nice visit with our parents, yes.

But as December extends past the 31st we have to start thinking about wrapping 2018.

Manhattan is our meal ticket.

Literally, as in the meal ticket which let me into this shelter.

And figuratively, as in the ticket to launch our presidential campaign.

oh we’re still doing that?

Dude, that was the whole point of 2018!

it’s just, you change your mind a lot

We’re beginning like year two of a three year plan.

what’s our platform?

We’re beginning like year two of a three year plan…

how did we end up with the folks again?

After a year of introspection we ended 2018 meditating on what’s most important in life.

breakfast?

Family.

Where it all began.

ah yes, march 15th 1982, remember it well

No you don’t.

But we’ve added many formative experiences since our birth.

Pops, the son of a vet, met Moms on an LA city bus a couple years prior.

she was an orphan, no?

Basically, with her parents dying shortly after she was born.

rapist

murderer

Yup, she came here from Mexico.

Legally.

I’m pretty sure.

At any rate, marrying pops made it legal.

Then we moved to the IE right?

San Bernardino, meth capital of the world.

be good at one thing

We were good at school until we weren’t.

fuck homework

Fuck homework indeed.

Never bought into the school thing.

maybe that’s why we’re here?

In more ways than one.

If we just blindly did as we were told, we’d have been conned into Iraq like our family and friends.

you’re saying ours was a calculated discharge?

Choice or chance, we’ve managed to stay ahead of the bullshit.

FUCK WAR

Fuck war indeed.

so if not war then what?

Well, we tried some college.

fuck college

Yup, that was pretty much our sentiment.

let’s get rich

We weren’t quite there yet.

We made some money.

Then we would read a bunch.

Then we would make some more money, only to read some more.

we went to mexico

We went a lot of places.

It seems like we moved every 3-6 months in our 20’s as we explored possible footholds in society.

what did we want?

Well, George Bush Jr. was elected in 2000 and he seemed like kind of a dumbass.

And then the Iraq/Afgahn wars seemed kind of illegal.

The PATRIOT ACT seemed kind of un-American.

And the twin tower collapse seemed kind of suspicious.

are we truthers?

As in, do we believe in scientific inquiry?

Or are you asking me if we buy the dominant narrative?

we bought into occupy wall st

They seemed to challenge the narratives.

were we just reacting?

We believed we could change the world through new conversations.

until we got arrested

Then we decided to just make money.

so how’d we do?

We got up to about $170k a year before we stopped filing taxes.

fuck taxes

No no no no no…heh heh heh…

We plan on catching up.

We’re just taking a “mental health sabbatical.”

so how’d we make it?

cocaine?

women?

Real Estate commissions which we then spent on cocaine, women…

god bless america

Naw, ours isn’t a cautionary tale of debauchery.

More of an inspiring journey really.

Borrowing $200 from a friend we slept in Central Park, storing our work clothes in a gym locker until our first commission paid for a hostel.

Rags to riches.

bags to bitches

I do not think you should be in charge of writing our presidential platform.

and by me you mean you?

And by us we mean who?

I’m sensing a narrative here

I hope so.

Young man, distraught over a country which would send him to die for empire and then kick his ass for protesting decides to join the cynical fucks in the race to distract us from ourselves.

but then 2018 happened

Perhaps it’s time to unpack what happened last year.

This year.

tomorrow, I think we just scored a bed on bowery

Back in the game…

 

IT TAKES ABOUT 20 MINUTES

to take the train from the Bowery to the main branch of the New York Public Library.

so we’re making that a thing then?

It is Tuesday December 60th and I’ve yet to explain why we’re still stuck in 2018.

or why we’re homeless…

Oh, that one’s easy.

We just stopped working.

and this is January 2018?

Yup.

We’d brokered real estate out of the West Village.

king’s quarters

13 Carmine #13 NY NY 10014

And then we just stopped working.

existential crisis?

I guess you could call it that.

There were two terrorist attacks near the end of 2017.

do you think they had to do with the american empire?

It didn’t have to do with my real estate brokerage.

So I stopped that for a bit, knowing that my landlady had fudged her paperwork and it would take her a while to start an eviction.

god bless greedy assholes

Yes, cleverness often hides self interest behind the ineptly corrupt.

we weren’t selfish though

No, we invited our friends to ride out our eviction.

One from our hometown, recovering from a heroin addiction.

And the other, a dancer we’d been dating off and on for the past year.

do we love yaya?

Yeah, I think so.

when did we get the idea to run for president?

The end of 2017, around those attacks.

We’d been reading the paper everyday, lording over our hashtag winning ways.

But it seemed as though our problems, reality in fact, the facts of reality themselves, were not being discussed.

At least not in a mature fashion.

are we really in a position to define maturity?

Are we not?

Any success in our life has been owed to critical thinking and emotional stability.

homelesssayswhat?

What?

There’s a method to the madness.

we were going to be internet famous

Well, we were going to at least try to find our audience.

I started a publishing company, remember?

And I had that idea for years about a 3rd political party:

FLASH POLITICS

it’s got legs kid

But now we had to figure out how to capitalize our newly recovered idealism.

I didn’t trust the incentives of real estate, even my own business.

But we’d also experienced 1st hand the dangers of becoming beholden to outside donors.

RIP OWS

Those early months we were brainstorming how to edit our political thoughts for mass consumption without adding to the cynicism and despondency surrounding us.

we stayed really high

We explored our thought processes.

I’d imagine that any honest investigation should explore the bias of the investigator.

one would imagine

So we did those videos in January and February to record our “fresh take” on current events to be able to analyze our own bias.

we read a ton

Oh yeah, all the auto-bios, from Hillary to Obama to Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders.

Even Donald Trump.

mental enema

cranial colonoscopy

But we gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.

until we had a reason

No one withstood close inspection did they?

emotional triggers to buy into the two-party apparatus

We were kind of triggered when we saw that Obama vanity piece “The Final Year” and then read his longtime speechwriter’s book “The World As It Is.”

fuck obama

Right?

This guy was basically Obama’s main narrative architect and he didn’t even mention Occupy Wall St.

forgotten history

feelsbadman.jpeg

so we did mushrooms on our birthday to probe our subconscious-

I think we just like to do mushrooms.

I also think that emotional intelligence works in tandem with the rational.

That night before our first housing court date we pondered how to get our story out.

what even is a story man?

Good old mushrooms.

Well, based on the latest science from another book we read, “How to Change Your Mind,” mushrooms interact with your default mode network or basically your resting state brain function.

english please

Psychedelics interfere with one’s perception of reality.

somebody give this man a nobel prize…

obama? you’re not using that

From my reading and first hand experiences I discovered a lot of misinformation infecting society.

And when I did psychedelics from low grade substances like marijuana to acid and shrooms, it helped me question the bullshit.

but drugs are illegal because they’re unhealthy

And we invaded Iraq to bring them democracy.

And then Libya.

And now Venezuela.

so let me get this right…

you want americans to cure themselves of suicidal imperialism through ritualistic drug use?

No no no no no…

(maybe)

But I took a safer approach than possibly breaking the collective consciousness.

let’s get rich again!

In due time friend, in due time.

But first, let’s get religious to create a benchmark for universal morality and finally hold ourselves accountable for our actions.

theocracy then?

Morality.

The difference, I’m finding, is the authority required.

 

IT TAKES ABOUT 20 MINUTES

for the beautiful blond to be approached as she suffers the frozen drizzle of a dreary December 61st.

we were late because you wouldn’t stop talking to that chica

It just blew my mind that this shelter has a weekly writer’s meetup.

ms. creative writing blew your mind

We had a vibe, yes.

And we had fun reading Ursula Le Guin’s “The Ones Who Walk Away.”

But I didn’t mean to make Yaya wait so long.

long enough to cop a dub for a dime

Yup, at least that dude in the park hooked her up.

But, uhm, as it relates to the presidential campaign…

you are a reformed man, given up the good fight, purchased the cow

I made a commitment to put Yaya first.

Hopefully this is a continuation of my journey of introspection.

seeing her this last week really feels different

We had a good life in the village.

And yet now, despite being in this shelter, I feel my head is clearer.

character is one’s capacity to love

Exactly.

Going through this past year it feels like I can love deeper.

We’ve begun to cultivate our sensitivity.

emotional intelligence

In April we finally read that Alan Watts book “The Way of Zen” and by May we were rewriting the Tao.

quick learners we are

It didn’t feel intellectually honest to criticize the New York Times or other framers of narrative without being able to articulate my own belief system.

our 420 philosophy; one should outline their philosophy by their 420th month

Seemed like a pretty cool thing to gift yourself for turning 35.

so we were already thinking values

Yeah we had been preparing to explain our thoughts for a while.

That birthday mushroom trip inspired us to formerly break from Christianity.

Then we read about spiritual states approaching the psychedelic and it became clear that we needed to speak on religion in general.

let’s see what the buddhists have to say

Yup, Thich Nhat Hanh was the first author we “translated” into simpler language:

“Good Baric’s Manifesto”

Although not yet a platform, it’s a set of principles that match up to any traditional morality without the traditionalist dogma.

the fruit and not the husks

Then we were eating that mango walking down 2nd Ave when we dipped into Blue Stockings and stumbled across the Tao.

looked short enough so we rewrote that bitch too

Stayed pretty high while doing it too, really let our mind wander.

dropped acid with irish mike under that tree

Achieved homeless enlightenment in Washington Sq and never looked back.

but by then it was july and we needed cash

We were creating but we’d yet to monetize.

youtube shut us down for some bullshit

They seem to be doing that a lot these days.

Hope there’s a way to recover our original content.

then airbnb shut us down for some bullshit

That was actually some real bullshit because kid tried to grope Yaya in her sleep and was lucky all I did was throw him out on his ass.

uncle rj died on 4/20

Spent what little savings we had to be with the family in NorCal and had a chance to practice our newly formalized wisdom.

they entertained us

With the hostel shut down – KING’S QUARTERS – June and July were Craigslist roommates while we waited for the publishing money to start rolling in.

while we waited for the author…

Hey I’ve delivered two salable projects that I’m pretty sure at the very least do not contribute to the suck in the world.

so why aren’t we famous yet?

Because 1) that’s not the point and 2) without marketing you’re invisible.

so where are the websites and stuff?

Funny enough, that’s precisely what I was working on when we got the eviction notice.

Landlady done fudged the eviction through.

Sometimes two fudges make a right.

motherfudgers

where was yaya at this time?

Doing some European tour then a dance class in Rome I think, I try to pay attention.

and we had to get all our stuff out within a couple days?

Everyone else did.

I just walked out with two bags.

Thus Two Bag Shazz was born.

a KING carries his kingdom within him

That afternoon I went to a friend’s and by that evening I was in her landlady’s bed.

23 years old and legs like a horse

Yaya WAS in Europe.

But I didn’t get down with Secretariat.

cause she had that thing

Luckily she was decent enough to tell us about that thing.

we’ve learned to slow down

We’re trying to slow down.

At the intersection of politics and personal morality, social studies and sexuality, is a man trying to live an honest life between impulse and coercion.

peace is cultivated

Without as well as within.

going for that political shaman monk media mogul brand I see…

I think we said it best when we phrased it calling out truths.

is that why we did heroin?

Jurys still out, we might need some more data on that one…

 

IT TAKES ABOUT 20 MINUTES

to grab a cab dressed in drag three blocks east of the House of Yes.

why did homegirl get mad at us again?

Might have been our comment about how Judaism can be perceived as a failed culture.

in your defense you did phrase it as a hypothetical

Our August spot had run out-

romance and free rent only last so long

and what was supposed to be September just spun her top in public.

in her defense you both ate mushrooms

And so our protagonist – Two Bag SHAZZ – wanders toward Lincoln Center for better vibes.

From a skyscraper close enough to see the park without casting a shadow we called out the truths of the yute.

ketamine and acid and mushrooms-

oh my

before giving oxy and heroin a try

why?

To be loved.

Some drugs are used out of boredom.

The strongest are usually used for pain.

that was an interesting couple of weekends

All recorded to better analyze later.

as we’ve done for a lot of 2018

It’s information asymmetry to not monitor yourself within a police state.

how do we come off on the tapes?

Presidential my dude.

Presidential as FUCK.

it’s been a hundred days since we’ve done h though right?

Sounds about right, though we did relapse on capitalism in October.

We were staying with that friend who had used KING’S QUARTERS to get clean herself.

she DID NOT approve of the company we kept

But she did lend us the couple hundred to give real estate another go.

we didn’t have the touch anymore though

It’s a hard business to try half-hardheartedly.

awww!

where was our other half?

Well, Yaya was still in Europe but we didn’t know she was our other half yet.

can’t make money and can’t be junkies, what CAN we do?

I was going over the tapes I’d accumulated dating back to my 1st idea of running for president.

at the very least it won’t be another boring cynical shit show

Nope, this time the shit show will have color as well as a basis in actual reality if not a rational narrator.

transition from real estate to publishing to launch a 3rd political party of which we’re the minimal viable product

Is that why we let homegirl fly us out to Los Angeles?

naw we were trying to smash

But she had that thing.

that surgery thing

that lawsuit thing

that ass tho…

We were dodging LA traffic with our half-baked honey when we finally decided to tap.

mama we’re coming home!

Good timing too because her birthday was November 4th.

our presence is our present!

We’d been good to the fam, now we just needed a quiet space to think.

if all we wanted was quiet, why did we argue with them so much?

Well, people can’t help putting expectations on you.

especially if they’re your parents

We’d gone from current events to their framing to values and their historic and physiological sources to bias and methods of constructing and deconstructing reality.

the folks really didn’t appreciate being recorded

How are we going to confront emotional manipulations if we don’t start analyzing the outbursts?

there were a lot of outbursts

Along with a lot of Fox News and that Q Anon bullshit.

breadcrumbs of propaganda

we also started writing again, that was good

Recorded 160 videos brainstorming our life narrative.

came up with this format to process ideas

Still on the fence on whether talking to myself multiplies labor or wastes it.

is it a useful reference for who you are?

WHO AM I?

who are we?

We were horny so we took Tinder girl to Slab City.

swing and a miss

Was cool visiting actual anarchy while reading theory.

what else did we read in CA?

A book on Hunter S. Thompson, a book on authoritarianism.

that one really helped explain the folks

Yup, turns out a large % of the population is predisposed to obeying authority far beyond rationality.

enabling the conniving few to use authority to further their own interests

Interestingly, that psychologist discovered that politicians were as subservient as the religious.

that would make sense since you branded americanism a religion back in march

Did I?

check the tapes

An ex-president died at the end of November to great patriotic fanfare.

grandma died the end of December, gramps would have been George Sr’s age

Both WWII fighter pilots.

grandpa didn’t get shot down

Heart disease.

the rich can afford to lead long lives

What life was I supposed to live?

we are expected to sacrifice our life for the bullshit of others

Bullshit that doesn’t withstand scrutiny.

wrapped in emotional manipulations

We’re learning to trust emotions when we can unpack them.

How are we feeling right now?

like it’s 9 degrees out and we gotta see if whole foods accepts ebt

 

IT WILL TAKE ABOUT 20 MINUTES

to read this entire page if I did this right.

not if I can help it

Our friend was getting evicted in BK and the folks offered to fund our trip to help.

they bought us out

It was time to move on.

it was the recordings

Some people really don’t want to explore their bias.

but we were committed

We made a decision not to leave 2018 until we finished reviewing our notes.

too many good ideas

Too many clues as to what’s going on, from the personal to the social.

We’ll figure it out.

we’re taking a leap year then?

I suppose we are, until we can catch up to actual reality.

and it’s december 66th?

Yup.

when’s our birthday?

The 105th.

I can fuck with that

We actually had a return flight for the 46th.

so why aren’t we back in Cali?

Kind of got shanghai’d to Martha’s Vineyard.

makes sense, we need those political donations

I think we helped drive a friend back, made half-ass attempts at finding work and wore out our welcome within a week.

sounds about right

The Vineyard is an interesting place.

cold and creepy

That’s just off-season.

quaalude colonial

That’s just Edgartown.

we’ve gotten the lay of the land before

Yup, islands are our thing.

We’ve lived on Vieques, the southern tip of the Bermuda Triangle.

punta diablo

Devil’s Bitch.

All about those strong energies.

speaking of which, yaya?

She didn’t make it unfortunately.

noticed the jump between the 62nd & 66th

Words were spoken.

you sent her a bon iver video

Regrettable actions were taken.

So, Martha’s Vineyard compared to Vieques…

Islands, empires…

you sent that mariachi crying yif

I am cultivating sensitivity.

It’ll all be in the drop-narrative.

what’s that?

Something I just came up with to organize experiences into stories.

Remember we’re not just running for president, we’re also launching a startup.

and trying to get yaya back

We’re NOT trying to get Yaya back, she fucked it up.

yaya we’re sorry

Perhaps we should concentrate lower on our hierarchy of needs.

Like for example, getting out of this shelter.

‘we can’t make you love us’

if she don’t…

The jewel box is the term for my friend’s penthouse apartment with views of the park.

I had just enough money to get back into the city

delayed by almost arrest

-reminded to buy a ticket BEFORE boarding-

but we settled in Saturday night to rambling thoughts and rumbling acid farts.

they were bad

I hope Poison didn’t notice.

why do we have to call her poison?

Because her friend we also recorded we called Ivy.

…

Because she goes to an Ivy League School.

I’ll allow it

So that was like the night of the 50th…

yeah cause you didn’t want to stay through mlk day even though it was supposed to be the coldest of the year

Something didn’t sit right about those convo’s.

These kids are all just neglected and confused.

the more we slow down to unpack our emotions, the more info we get on the 1st pass through life

It’s just, Ivy League was so intelligent yet so resigned.

our addict friend wearing her self-destruction like a badge

Their cynicism, it’s not us.

what IS us?

Well, we were living pretty good in the village before our morning routine was disturbed.

we’re just investigating a disturbance

I like where you’re going…

Political Investigator SHAZZBARBARIC-

I don’t know who you are

I don’t know what you want

We’re not doing Taken.

But what we CAN do is very clearly start outlining and replacing violent systems.

violence being defined as?

Getting your needs met at the expense of others.

like our 22 year old weed-dealing trump supporter said, isn’t that capitalism though?

Why do we have to worship ideas over people?

What I’ve learned is that religion is a tool.

Psychedelics are tools.

Political and economic theories are tools to build better societies.

if it was that simple why hasn’t it been done before?

If it was that complicated, what did we do before governments?

kill each other

And you tell me, when did the killing stop?

what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you

Stahp.

We have to plan our presidential campaign,

a lot of cramming to do

explore startup ambitions,

explore our loneliness

explore what it means to be human.

I will look for you, I will find you, and I will

ask you to pre-order my books to move onto PHASE II.

until then we’re stuck in this shelter

Gotta start somewhere, might as well be the bottom.

way to end on a positive note

Higher than heaven, what’s lower than dirt.

holy, the wholly common

S.B. Baric
Dec 66th, 2018
Horizons Community Lab
Bowery Residents’ Committee